Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Confessions of a known egg donor

Yep I'm an egg donor. There - I admitted it. Of course - I have no problem admitting it. I thought it through, did my homework, took the tests and did it - for a friend - who happens to not be my friend anymore, but possibly wants to be again..... I'm so confused...

As the title of my blog says - problems like me - they really do - I'd love to admit that I hunt down the drama - and typically I do not, however this one... well - I guess I walked right into it.

She was my friend, my neighbor, and her eggs weren't viable. So I gave her a few of mine - 20 something if memory serves (I have a crappy memory so don't quote me). I had already had one baby, and I was getting a divorce, I didn't see myself using any of my own anytime soon so why not?

Many people chimed in on if I should or shouldn't. She was so hell bent on my being a part of their family because I was such a good friend was what sold me. I love my friends, and I would like to think my friends love me back in the same intensity. She didn't want lies or secrets - another reason I went for it. There is no winning in secrecy. Some other neighbors knew - because she told me it wasn't a secret. The particular neighbor was a friend of mine as well - so why would I think she'd ever be insensitive?

I feel no maternal bond to a cell. I feel as though I donated an organ - a body part of sorts. She was going to carry the baby - feel it move in her belly, give birth, stay up all night soothing and feeding - not me. So when the baby came - I was still fine with it. OK - I was a little proud that I had helped. She asked me 4 or 5 times if the baby looked like my daughter and I tried to avoid the subject to be sensitive. The fifth time I caved and said "yeah, a bit".

By this time I was divorced, and had moved, and the other neighbor/friend started giving me the cold shoulder - as if I had divorced the neighborhood - which was very hurtful. I stayed away from the neighborhood because it felt like a war zone to me, the place where my divorce took place - and because I did not want to crowd my friend and her new baby - they needed to bond.

I got a letter from my friend telling me something I had not expected. She wanted me to stay away. The neighbor noted the similarity between me and the baby which had to be hurtful. She wanted me to throw away the picture of the baby. She didn't want me talking about the baby to anyone. She didn't want me talking to my daughter about the baby she had just visited in the hospital - she wanted me to lie to my daughter. Lie. I hate that word - that action - and everything about it. Lie to my DAUGHTER - a child.... ugh - seriously?

So I avoided in lieu of lying in hopes one day my daughter would stop asking. Then, a year or so passes by and I get a new note and a photo of the baby-now toddler. My friend, against therapist advice, wants us to all get together - a real feel good meeting.... ummmmm.... no. I was newly remarried, dealing with in-law issues, family issues, and oh yes - pregnancy. Should I go visit my old friend with my newly popping preggie-bellie? Me thinks not. More important - do I want to rip open the scar over the old wound she put in my heart? ummmmmm..... no.

I said No. I explained why. I was pretty clear that if the baby needed me medically - pick up the phone - other than that - move along. I just didn't have any openings in the drama department.

Now, 2 years later, she's trying again.

I did it for the GOOD of it. It=the donation, the separation, the disappearing, the refusal. All for the good of the BABY. So that she could have an enriched life with her Mother. And her Mother wouldn't be comparing, or feeling anything other than Motherhood.

Did I do the wrong thing in the first place? Was it worth the loss of a good friend? Was it worth the drama? Will the baby grow up feeling like her mother doesn't love her? that "something" isn't right?

She is linked to me genetically but she is not my daughter. I feel strongly about that. If she needed me would I be there? Absolutely - just as I would be there for any of my friends, my friends kids, and even some people who just need someone. But I will not jeopardise her childhood by confusing her Mom. She only has one after all.

1 comment:

  1. Hello! This is EXACTLY what I am talking about! When I was going through infertility, my sister volunteered to carry a baby for me. I thought about it and then said no. My sister is WAY too important to me to jepordize our relationship in ANY way, and one person carrying the others child has SOOO many possible potholes...I just said no. Funny now, I am in open adoption, I am my daughters Mom, even with a birthmother around all the time, I am her Mom, my daughter knows this, Iknow this because of my daughters behavior. I think insecurity and fear drive people into unhealthy behavior, we should talk some time soon. :) -Karen